"All right Mr. DeMille, I'm ready for my close-up" or Advice from a guy with a flip ph

Dear Readers, I had just finished my snack of Fig Newtons and milk enhanced with the additive, Nestle’s Quick, when I heard the bad news. Internet Explorer is coming to an end. The fact that Internet Explorer is coming to an end isn’t all that bad of news, but the way that it was reported bummed me out. The report claimed that it would be “consigned to history this week by Microsoft, joining Palm Pilots, flip phones and My Space as relics of a distant age.” Wow, “relics of a distant age.” What does that make me as a flip phone user? At least I didn’t ever waste any money on a Palm Pilot. I learned from my dad, Philip, not to buy into new things too quickly, because they might just be a fad. So, at the Meltzer house, we never ended up with a stack of useless 8-track tapes or shirts with Nehru collars, but we were also the last family in town to get air conditioning, color TV, or a microwave oven. My dad inherited this “wait and see” philosophy from his dad, Brady. According to my dad, Brady wasn’t happy when they installed indoor plumbing in the Meltzer house in 1952. Brady still thought they should give it a few more years in case indoor plumbing might just be a fad. He didn’t want to have to go to the expense of having all that plumbing removed once people realized that pooping in a hole in your yard was the best way to go after all. I remember when I finally upgraded to a flip phone from a pager. I can’t recall the year but it was at a time when most adolescents had flip phones. I was a spectator at a high school sporting event when my pager alerted me to the fact that I needed to return an important call. I didn’t see a pay phone, so I asked a young girl sitting in my section if I could use her flip phone to make a call. She asked me if my phone was broken. I explained that the electronic device, which I was proudly holding in my hand, wasn’t a phone. It was a pager and it only alerted me to a phone number that I needed to call. She seemed surprised that it could somehow beep and send me a phone number but was useless to return the call. She said, “Well, it isn’t really much good then, is it?” Soon after that experience, I bought my first flip phone. My children had to grow up in a household where I carried on the tradition of waiting to invest in new technology. One time they claimed that we were the only house in town without cable TV. I told them to go complain to grandpa, because when he was a kid he had to walk uphill through the snow just to use the bathroom.

Weekly Book news or since this column is in the library newsletter, I thought I would at least mention a book: Gloria Swanson’s autobiography, Swanson on Swanson. The book came out in 1980 and she died in 1983. She was an actress in silent movies and at one time very famous. Check it out if you like old movies or enjoy tales of the scandalous Hollywood lifestyle. With her six marriages, if she were alive today, she would probably steal the tabloid headlines away from the Kardashians. Bonus Gloria Swanson Movie Pick: Sunset Boulevard was shown on the big screen last night. (Editor's note: Wowbrary subscribers receive this email Saturday morning.) It is a movie about an aging silent film star and was nominated for eleven Academy Awards. In fact, it is worth the cost of admission just to see Gloria Swanson speak her most famous line: “All right Mr. DeMille, I’m ready for my close-up.” TV movie tips: If you suffer from insomnia, watch or set your VCR to tape Turner Classic Movies at 4:00 a.m. Sunday and Monday. Sunday is Baby Doll, a Tennessee Williams tale in his usual Southern Gothic excellence full of decayed and derelict settings and a dash of poverty and alienation. Monday is a 17 minute film by Salvador Dali and Luis Bunuel filled with surrealist images likely to give you nightmares. Warning: If reading this column causes a rash or unsightly bumps on the skin, spread Cloverine Salve on the infected area at bedtime.