The Super Column - Or - The Pre-Pre-Game

Dear Readers, Now that our editor, Kristiaan Rawlings (affectionately known as Skeeter to Earl and me), has taken Saturday Shelby from a lame, old, antique, weekly, print newspaper to this brand spanking new virtual daily, your favorite column is arriving on Super Bowl Sunday for the first time in history. Not only is today’s column actually today, but it is live. Don’t ask me how. That is a question for Al Gore, the inventor of the information super highway. I just know that somehow this Super Column is arriving in your home via the ether as it happens. (Note: Saturday Shelby is actually running a 5 second delay of Meltzer’s column in order to bleep out any guy talk determined inappropriate for a family newspaper) So, welcome to the Official View From My Schwinn Virtual Pre Game Party. (The party started at 5:00 A.M., so you joining the party, already in progress, if the virtual link takes a minute or two, be patient. You will be part of the action very soon depending on the speed of your computer and connection.)

Cousin Tom: Excuse me, Kris, but when we got the invitation to this shindig, it mentioned a surprise celebrity football player guest would be in attendance. When do you expect him to arrive? Kris: He’s here. Look right over there standing next to Jeff Bate. Cousin Tom: The guy dipping Necco wafers in hummus? Kris: Yes, it’s Todd Bass. Todd played for Shelbyville Junior High School. He was on what many at the local Boys' Club believe was the greatest team of all time. I’ll introduce you. Excuse me, Todd, this is my cousin Tom. Tom this is Todd. Todd: Pleased to meet you, Tom. Are you the one married to the Baroness von Krueger? Tom: Yes. Todd: Where is Cletus? Tom: He is at home. He’s become a really obnoxious New England fan. We didn’t want him to ruin the party. So, when did you play for Shelbyville Junior High? Todd: 1976-1977, we were undefeated. (Jeff Bate joins the conversation) Jeff: I was part of that great team. It was an experience that I’ll never forget. Say, where is John Hartnett? I expected him to be here. Kris: I think he is still mad at Earl’s cat, Sassafras. Hartnett claims Sassy cooked the books on his football picks. I promised him that I would correct the record to show that he really went 8-5 against Sassy. However, Sassy doesn’t want me to change the record, so I guess I’ll just have to add an asterisk. Let’s get this conversation back to the Super Bowl. So, guys, what is your favorite Super Bowl of all time? Jeff: Has to be 2014, when Kate Upton was in the Hardees/Carls Jr. commercial. Todd: I agree that Kate Upton eating that hamburger was one of the greatest moments in Super Bowl history. But, the absolutely greatest was the next year in 2015, or Super Bowl XLIX, when Charlotte McKinney was in the Hardees/Carls Jr. commercial. Earl, Kris, Trent, Rock, Tom: Yea, Todd, you really know football. Earl: So, Todd, what do you think about today’s game? Todd: New England is going to be tough to beat. Kris: I know most Colts fans hate Tom Brady, but he did get a raw deal when Roger Goodell suspended him for four games just for not having enough air in the football. Jeff: Yea, but Brady was cheating. What was so unfair about his four game suspension? Kris: It just seemed a bit harsh as compared to other punishments handed out by Goodell. Ray Rice was just suspended for two games when he knocked the elevator operator at a hotel unconscious just for pushing the wrong button. I never did understand why Ray Rice was so mad at the elevator operator. Jeff: You watch too many old movies on TV. There are no elevator operators. That was Ray Rice’s wife. He knocked out his wife and got a two game suspension. Susie Veerkamp: So, how’s the hummus? Todd: Best I have ever had. Susie: Earl, are you drinking milk? Earl: It’s a white Russian. I have switched from bourbon to white Russians for a reason. It is a theme. In just a few weeks, I will be making a major announcement of interest to the entire community. Susie: Let me guess. Instead of Shelbyville Reads, you are going to start a program called Shelbyville Drinks. Earl: Not a bad idea, but that’s not it. Kris: It’s a big surprise. Earl’s been working on it for months. We must now leave the party, but stay tuned maybe next week Earl will make his big announcement.