Back to school advice - or - Clairvoyant Dad

The following was originally published July 30, 2016.

Dear Readers,

When I was a child, an old timer once told me that it seemed to him like time was passing by faster and faster the older he got. This came to mind yesterday when I was at the Bookmark and my favorite barista, Marie, served me a latte with the image of a school bus in the foamed milk. Marie pointed out that school starts next week. This information caused me a bit of worry. If the old timer was right about the passage of time, he might have been right about other things. I began to worry if I might still go blind from a bad habit from my youth; sitting too close to the TV. I gave myself a quick eye test by taking turns covering each eye with my hand and reading the menu behind the counter.

I was explaining all of this to another customer when she pointed out that time wasn’t going any faster. School was just starting earlier. Boy, was I relieved. Once upon a time, school didn’t start until after Labor Day. But whatever you do, don’t tell today’s kids that they are starting school a month early. No need to unnecessarily add to their backto-school angst. Just round them up for one of those corny posed back-to-school pictures. Buy them a number two pencil, some paper and a pack of those fat flat-sided crayons and put them on the bus.

As for me, I’m firing up the Wayback machine this week so you can all join me on a journey into the past. Mr. Peabody, please have Sherman set the dial for the first day of school, approximately 20 years ago. We will be joining a younger version of myself as I pass out back-to-school advice to my son, Trent, as he begins at Shelbyville Middle School. Listen in.

Trent: Dad, since I’m starting middle school, I was thinking maybe it’s time for me to get contacts. I also need new clothes. Could you buy me Michael Jordan tennis shoes this year?

Kris: Well, I could waste my hard-earned money on contacts and new mod clothes. Instead, I’ve taken all the extra money I saved for your college education and invested it in Beanie Babies. I can fix your glasses with some tape. Besides, you are much more likely to grow up to be the city attorney than a basketball player. I think I have some used wingtips that will fit you. The shoes will go with your dress pants. A solid color shirt with a button-down collar and bow tie will complete the ensemble.

Trent: Don’t you think the other boys will think I look stupid when I arrive for my first day of middle school dressed like I am the city attorney?

Kris: Probably so. But, believe me, you won’t look any more stupid than the boys arriving at middle school wearing Air Jordans and basketball jerseys pretending they are ready to play in the NBA.