Hee Haw - or - All the Doo Da Day

The following was originally published July 9, 2016.

Dear Readers,

Last week an alert reader from Waldron High School Class of 1970 alerted me to the fact that Earl had been spotted out at Keinberg with my cousin, Tom. Having known Tom from high school, the reader was certain that they must be up to something. I responded that Earl was on special assignment at Keinberg and that prior to the Indiana Derby, I would have an announcement. However, before making the announcement, a bit of history for any new readers or old readers who have not been paying attention over the past year.

Earl is local attorney Tyler Earl Brant, the cultural attaché assigned to our embassy located in our sister city, Shelbyville, Ky. The embassy is a Nimrod pop-up camper located in the Walmart parking lot.

Skeeter is our publisher, Kristiaan Rawlings. He started Saturday Shelby so that my column would have a home and for that I am forever grateful. However, he insists on giving the paper away for free. Thus we are on a very limited budget.

Cousin Tom is Tom Rogers. Tom was voted most likely to remain a bachelor by the girls in Waldron Class of 1970 due to their certainty no girl in America who would marry him. His classmates were right. Tom traveled to Germany, married the Baroness von Krueger, and they live in a cabin they call Keinberg located east of town.

BIG ANNOUNCEMENT: The Schwinn Team is planning on having an entry in this year’s Indiana Derby.

So, you are wondering how this can be. Let me start from the beginning.

It all started with a phone call late one night from Earl. The call awoke me from my reoccurring Tallulah Bankhead dream, so understandably I was a bit testy. I said, “Earl this better be important.” Earl went on to explain that he was in Kentucky hosting a little soiree at the embassy and he needed to know if Skeeter weighed 126 pounds. I told Earl that I didn’t know how much Skeeter weighed and didn’t think it was any of his business. Earl said that it was all of our business because if Skeeter weighs over 126 then we need to find ourselves a jockey because the Schwinn team now owns a racehorse. Earl explained that our friends in Kentucky had presented him with a racehorse by the name of Cletus as a gift. Earl said that Cletus doesn’t look like much, but if Mickey Rooney and Bing Crosby can save an orphanage with an old nag they rescued from the glue factory then we can win the Indiana Derby. I told Earl that he was confusing reality with old movies again, but the Indiana Derby is a half a million dollar purse so it is worth a try. I hung up and called Cousin Tom and within the hour we were on the way to Kentucky to pick up Cletus.

Since that day we have been secretly training Cletus out at Keinberg. It was soon obvious that we would need the help of a professional jockey. Skeeter wasn’t going to make weight and besides he kept falling off of Cletus. Tammy Knox at Indiana Grand was very helpful and suggested Tommy Pompell one of the winningest jockeys in town. Full of excitement and the prospect of winning half a million bucks, we all took Cletus out to Indiana Grand to meet his new jockey. Pompell told us that we might have a problem entering Cletus in the Indiana Derby. He saw two major obstacles. First, all thoroughbreds have a tattoo inside their lip that identifies them as a racehorse. Cletus does have a tattoo, but it does not identify him as a thoroughbred. Cletus’ tattoo is of the hula girl from the label on a bottle of Sailor Jerry Rum. Second, Cletus is a donkey.

So, it looks like we have been pranked by the Kentuckians. However, Earl thinks he may have found a loophole in the law big enough to ride a donkey through. Earl says that Cletus may be a donkey but he identifies as a horse.

You are invited: The team will host a pre-race shindig at Schwinn headquarters, the Bookmark Coffee Shop, next Saturday from 9 a.m. to 11 a.m. We will be giving loyal readers free souvenirs to commemorate our first attempt to have an entry in the Indiana Derby. Susie Veerkamp will give whisking tips for all you cooks and Marie, the official Schwinn barista, will offer for sale lattes with the image of a racehorse in the steamed milk. And, of course, Earl will be on hand with his cat Sassafras’s picks for the race. Be there.