Horseradish Hors d’oeuvres - or- Tap Dancing Accountant

The following was originally published July 23, 2016.

Dear Readers,

Last Saturday, so many of you dropped by the Bookmark Coffee Shop for our pre-Derby party that millennials passing by must have thought Pokémon was in attendance. As Donald Trump would say, the crowd was yuge.

The three sisters, Barbara, Mary Kay, and Carolyn, must have worked into the wee hours of the night putting up decorations. The horse racing decor created a mood of equestrian splendor lending an air of coolness and charm to the cafe.

Guests mingled and noshed on the delicious hors d’oeuvres provided by the Martha Stewart of Shelbyville, Susie Veerkamp. Adding to the horse-themed soiree, Susie had very cleverly whisked up several horse radish delicacies.

As promised, our favorite barista, Marie, served lattes with the image of either a horse shoe or horse’s head in the foamed milk. Cousin Tom and the Baroness von Krueger drove in from Keinberg for the event. Skeeter was busy all morning passing out free Indiana Derby souvenirs.

All in attendance were invited to vote on who was the biggest jackass in last week’s photograph of Cletus the donkey with team Schwinn. Cousin Tom was the winner by a landslide. I’m pretty sure his victory was due to the members of his Waldron High School class of 1970 showing up and each voting multiple times. However, Susie said that she witnessed the Baroness voting several times, so that might have helped Tom’s numbers. Then again, we don’t know how the Baroness voted. She may have been casting ballots for either Earl or me since she has gotten to know us from our time spent at Keinberg training Cletus.

Speaking of Cletus, he stayed home. Cousin Tom said that Cletus was still in a bad mood from being denied a post position in the Derby. Tom promised to bring him to the Bookmark on some future date.

The highlight of the morning for me was when Sandy Learned stood on the counter. She spoke through a megaphone similar to the one used by singer Rudy Vallee. I learned later that the megaphone was a replica on loan from Shelby Senior Services. Sandy said that she had a major community announcement to make. A hush fell over the crowd. Sandy announced that I, yours truly, had been chosen to be a judge at this year’s Dancing with the Stars. I, of course, accepted without hesitation. I didn’t want to give those in charge of the fundraiser any time to reconsider.

Hearing the announcement, it suddenly became clear why Ann Miller has been in one of my recurring dreams. In my dream, Ann Miller is tap dancing with Gene Jones on a coffee table in my living room. In the dream, Ann appears as she did in that 1953 classic, “Kiss Me Kate.” Gene looks like, well, an accountant. I had thought the dream very strange, since there is no coffee table in my living room. Now it all makes sense.