Hee Haw Christmas - or - A Letter from Cletus

The following was originally published November 26, 2016.

Dear Kris,

I've finally got over my disappointment of not running in the Indiana Derby. I know Earl tried his best, me not being a thoroughbred, but I'm no longer in my prime, so that was my last chance. I am very content and happy living the remainder of my donkey days here in Keinberg with Cousin Tom’s horse and the Baroness von Krueger’s pet turtle.

Tom reads your column to me every week. Please tell Earl that all of the animals in the barnyard are proud of Sassy beating the humans in the football picks. Sometimes humans aren’t the smartest animals in the barnyard. I will admit though, that humans are always smarter than the turkeys. Just a couple of weeks ago, the turkeys were complaining about Christmas taking over, and the humans all forgetting about their holiday. I’m pretty sure the turkeys do not understand their role in the Thanksgiving celebration. Anyway, Susie Veerkamp showed up and the turkeys are all gone now.

While on the subject of human holidays, maybe you can explain Christmas. I’m somewhat confused, because I have a Christmas story that has been passed down in my donkey family for many generations. As it was told to me, long before my family legally immigrated to this country, my ancestors lived in a place called Nazareth. One of my grandfathers (too many greats to include) was actually present for the first Christmas. It was winter and he carried this pregnant lady to Bethlehem. The trip was no cart ride. About 70 miles as the crow flies, but walking in that rocky terrain took better than a week. To make things worse, not an hour or so after arrival, the baby came and was placed in grandpa’s food. A great number of visitors stopped by to see the baby, resulting in a sleepless night for grandpa. Several days later, grandpa traveled with the family to Egypt. According to donkey folklore, there were other animals present, including sheep and a camel or two. So, now for my Christmas question: Can you please explain how the reindeer got in the story?

Just wondering,

Cletus

Dear Cletus,

Good question. I’ll start investigating that after I figure out why Christmas must be preceded by months of shopping. I’m glad you recognize that Christmas is really all about the baby. The good news is that most humans get around to remembering that by December 25. Don’t bother writing me a letter this spring asking about Easter. I don’t have any idea how bunnies took over that holiday.